curtain up

I've moved!


http://joybur.livejournal.com

yes, i am a pack rat.

over the years, i've accummulated little things that have huge connections to friendships i treasure. no, they're not overly symbolic things. they're just everyday, common items that are popularly categorized as kalat.

sometime in sixth grade, trens and i were just hanging out in the school playground after classes. we flicked a 25-centavo coin into the air and it landed somewhere in the grass. of course we can't find it. until one of us had a brilliant idea to fling my headband into the air, hoping that where it'd land would be within the vicinity of the coin. as luck would have it, we found the coin right in the middle of the headband. i've kept that coin ever since. 25 cents was a lot of money to two patay-gutom sixth graders.

in my junior year of high school, gutsy went to the states with her family for a vacation. she was a co-conspirator in the search for the perfect sensitive new-age-kind-of-guy when she, terry and i were gaga about dead poets society, poetry, music, and film. anyway, when she came back, she gave me a bookmark with teddy bears on them. i still have that bookmark (in fact, it's my favorite).

i've known cel since the first day of college freshman year. and now we work in the same office, and still share some twisted ideals and senses of practicality. she made me a little denim coin purse i use to keep more of my little kalats in.

babykins -- my first official 'daughter', about to take the bar in a month. like any dutiful daughter, she gave me a page from a coloring book. and like any proud mother, it stayed posted on my bedroom wall for years. it only went down when my brother moved in there.

on my 23rd birthday, zane gave me a foot spa kit. she gave it to me personally, and told me that she and big white hairy guy got together--on my birthday! i still have the containers.

when i got the job at ps, alvin gave me a white teddy bear id-zipper-strap-thing. i panicked when it broke. but my brother was able to fix it for me. it's still what i use everyday.

while doing side show, i got to be really close to pauline. bonding via ym and email was never so much fun till she came along. she gave me a beautiful hand-painted mug during our cast party. it's ridiculously huge, but i use it everyday for my breakfast drinks.

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my most recent acquisition has been a fast favorite. it's a white ponytail holder that i snitched off bitz (a good friend i work with whom i sometimes share hair care products and tips with, among other things) a couple of weeks or so before i got promoted. it holds my hair nicely, and it makes a comfortable replacement for a watch. it seemed to be the only hair accessory i never lost in a span of two weeks. it was record-breaking. in fact, i didn't buy any more hair elastics after it!

i was wearing it when:
- i auditioned for beauty and the beast
- i was offered the promotion
- i moved into the condo
- i met my crush
- i vented out my anger in a very intense way for the first time.
- i went to the beach for the first time in seventeen years
- i had an only in the movies moment (so perfect, it must've been cinematographic)
- i moved out of the condo
- i spent a very girlie weekend shacked up in a hotel (for free)
- i was swept off my feet by a very unexpected someone

and in all those places, in all those moments i never lost it!!!

imagine how frantic i felt the moment i lost it a couple of days ago, probably when i was taking my coat off. and it wasn't even a memorable day!

my golly banana! bad hair everyday! and i don't have that secure band to fiddle with anymore when i'm nervous during meetings or when i'm bored.

funny how something so seemingly insignificant grows on me in gargantuan proportions. maybe it was the great combination of the person it was from and the things that had happened since i had it -- i don't know. but that little nothing was a huge something to me.

i snitched another one from him today (black, this time, and thinner). i'll try not to lose this one, hun.

you'd never recognize the street.
our favorite stores have different names now
the colors in the trees have changed now.
strange how I've hardly thought of you this year.
yes, there've been changes made since you stayed here.

but in retrospect, it was great, wasn't it, darling? remembered you when i first listened to this.

it seems appropriate.

(room 502, the bellevue manila. 9:30pm)

you have sufficiently scrubbed, hair spa-ed, shampooed, shaved, and now you have been soaking in a hot bubble bath for the past 45 minutes.

you lie there in anticipation of what is ahead: caviar is being served on crostini with assorted cheese on the side; a bottle of white bubbly has been chilling in the bucket; vanilla ice cream, dark chocolate, stemmed maraschino cherries are waiting to sweeten your night.

the feather down quilt lies sprawled carelessly across the king-sized bed, its equally feather-stuffed pillows haphazardly strewn about, as you both neglected to make it up from previous activities.

the next best thing to a man wrapped around me is this quilt, you remember thinking, an impish smile playing on your lips.

your fingers begin pruning, signalling the time has come to finally surface from the foams. you allow the water to cascade down your body as you reach for the bottle of body oil. using your fingertips, you smooth delicately-scented drops over your supple curves. you gently pat down your skin with a fresh, toasty towel then slip into a light, fluffy white robe.

you step out from the bathroom and glide towards the dresser, stopping momentarily in front of the wall-length mirror to oh-so-casually admire your goddess-like radiance (as you have never felt this beautiful in your entire life). you are confident that the moment he sees you in this state, he will want for nothing but to throw you onto that carelessly sprawled feather-down quilt and ravish you senseless.

but that will have to wait... besides, your hair isn't quite perfect yet.

standing in front of the dresser, you run your fingers through your wet locks to loosen the occassional errant tangle into submission, and then proceed with the chore of blowing it dry.

putting the appliance down, you take in what you see in the mirror: perfection.

you see your companion smile at you through the mirror and affirms your observations by stating: "you're glowing."

you sweetly smile back and reply: "i know... isn't it sad?"

your best girl friend whole-heartedly agrees.

because you aren't lesbian...

and neither is she.

so you turn and reach for the remote control as she alights from her commercial law reviewer to take her turn in the hot tub.

option 1: we stay as friends and just as friends and nothing happens. ever.

option 2: we become friends with benefits. meaning: i'll get his kisses; he gets girlfriend and my kisses.

option 3: we become friends with benefits until i get an emotional breakdown and tell him to go fuck himself.

option 4: we become friends with benefits until i get an emotional breakdown and tell him to go fuck himself but he figures out that he can't do that alone and chooses to go with me over his girlfriend.

option 5: i shut him out of my life, causing me (and probably him, if he values our friendship at all) even more pain.

option 6: we become friends with benefits and i don't get that dreaded emotional breakdown.

option 7: i go find myself another guy.

option 8: we become friends with benefits and i don't get that dreaded emotional breakdown until i find another guy.

Death, the second of The Endless, you are
responsible for ending all lives and taking
them to your realm, from which no one ever
returns. You are bright, positive, happy,
optimistic and enjoy everything about life, but
that does not mean your silly or stupid. You
can lay the smack down when you have to!
Everyone loves you, and they don't know why.


Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

of course, in different forms.

=============================

from rhodamae:

in the samurai x oav, kenshin tells tomoe that he couldn't protect her. couldn't or wasn't worthy, i can't remember the exact phrase they used. he loved her sincerely, but he had to hurt her in that indelible, irrevocable way that marks a soul.

joy, i know that he loves you. he is a friend good enough to give you that. unfortunately, he has hurt you, too. maybe he just doesn't know how to deal with it, how to deal with you.

sometimes it pains me to see people who look for love at all the right places but fail to recognize its existence in the ordinary -- so that what was once mundane now becomes magical. i myself am guilty of that. too often i catch myself wishing for love before realizing that it has always been a constant in my life. i guess this is just life's way of telling me that we have to learn our lessons the hard way.

and the point of all this?

wala.

love has no point. there is not end-allm be-all ideal to it. i'm sorry that your happiness also comes with so much hurting. but yeah, we can only take whatever we can get. love has so many facets that we can cling to one particular aspect and believe it to be love's true value. i don't want you to settle for just that one aspect, joy. don't settle with just being martyr. love him in every way you know how, and fight for him with every kind word, every smile you can give him.

yes, you have a license to love him. but that doesn't mean you have to gift-wrap him and give him to his so-called goddess. spare yourself from that pain, please. and don't even think about setting her up with someone else. you don't need that, trust me!

treat yourself to ice cream. i worry about you.

i hope he sees you, really sees you, and wish that he wasn't so stupid that he could have lost you if he hadn't realized the possibility of you any sooner.

from push: i wanna take you for granted.

unfortunately, that's easier said than done.

================================

rhodamae! where are you?

================================

i-love-you: a warning, an apology, an interruption, a plea for attention, an objection, an excuse, a justification, a reminder, a trap, a blessing, a disguise, a vacuum, a revelation, a way of saying nothing, a way of summarizing everything a surrender,an opening, an end.

- robert solomon

================================

George Orwell: Nineteen Eighty-Four. You are the
classic warning against the threat of
totalitarianism. To you, politics and
philosophy are inseparable, auchtorities suck
and the reality might not exist outside our
imaginations.


Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

you are far
when i could have been your star
you listened to people
who scared you to death, and from my heart
strange that you were strong enough
to even make a start
but you'll never find
peace of mind,
til you listen to your heart

people
you can never change the way they feel
better let them do just what they will
for they will
if you let them
steal your heart from you
people
will always make a lover feel a fool
but you knew i loved you
we could have shown them all
we should have seen love through

fooled me with the tears in your eyes
covered me with kisses and ties
so goodbye
but please don't take my heart

you are far
i'm never gonna be your star
i'll pick up the pieces
and mend my heart
maybe i'll be strong enough
i don't know where to start
but i'll never find
peace of mind
while i listen to my heart

people
you can never change the way they feel
better let them do just what they will,
for they will
if you let them
steal your heart

and people
will always make a lover feel a fool
but you knew i loved you
we could have shown them all

but remember this
every other kiss
that you ever give
long as we both live
when you need the hand of another man
one you really can surrender with
i will wait for you
like i always do
there's something there
that can't compare with any other

you are far
when i could have been your star
you listened to people
who scared you to death, and from my heart
strange that i was wrong enough
to think you'd love me too
i guess you were kissing a fool
you must have been kissing a fool

=========================

it's one of those times that one song is enough for comfort and pain, fantasy and reality, secrets and publicity.

it's one of those times i'm glad to feel pain, because it reminds me i'm not dead inside.

pero, pakshet, pare, ansaket.