curtain up

over a seemingly bottomles bowl of phad thai noodles, rhodamae and i talked a great deal of our insane moments in college (apart from stealing straws).

i've just read our blue notebook and, for lack of a better term, kinilabutan ako when i read the stuff in it.

but i loved reading it. it reminded me of a time that we needed each other, and its presence somehow verifies the fact that we still do. it also told me that i haven't changed much. i'm sort of glad that what i believed in back then are still what i believe in now.

though most of the entries were manifistations of stupidity, i'd like to think we had our shining moments.

we had written:

falling in love with a friend is a useless passion.

(bato bato sa langit, ang tamaan... dapat lang.)

although i know people who would contest to that.

falling in love with a friend is painful, yes. in our defense, we didn't mean that the act of loving itself is useless. it's sometimes acting on that kind of love. why? because as friends, gestures of affection are not unexpected. the elements of the gestures, yes, can be surprising, but going out of the way to do an extra bit of kindness towards a friend, can be construed as simply an act out of friendship. and most of the time, it is interpreted as such. and to the recepients, it simply is just that. and THAT is painful.

i haven't changed much since the blue notebook. i still feel the same, though a tad more subdued and not minding the pain as much. even if the object of my affection is no longer a tall, lanky, artistic geek with semi-autistic tendencies, the same pseudo-philosophies apply. but i'm open to change.

one of the changes in me is that i'm loving differently. it's scary, but i welcome it because it's a new feeling. maybe it's the person, or the situation that makes it new. i know he'll never feel the same, but the feeling still dwells there, as if it's found its own space in my heart and mind, sitting comfortably, not disturbing nor crowding my thoughts, but taking his space nonetheless.

and i am insane to admit that i'm protecting that space now.

i know the feeling will walk away just as easily as it settled in when the time comes. since it's not happening now, i'm going to stop pushing it away, because it just might go when i'll need it the most.

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