curtain up

happy is what happens....

sunday afternoon was perfectly refreshing.

i've been running out of reasons for genuine smiles the past couple of weeks, and now i'm glad i can actually smile about something. i spent the afternoon with bee, whose news is the reason for my lips to turn up at the corners (risking looking autistic, but i don't care).

bee, i'm so happy for you! it's great to be happy for someone in this crazy twisted world. nurture it, take care of it. it's a rare thing.

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what we make of ourselves

on a serious note, bee and i also talked about my current situation. we spent a great deal of time looking at how i deal with it, and came up with a few debatable questions.

am i an evil person because i can easily let go/get over people or does that just make me flexible?

over his lunch break, hun said that maybe i'm not that sentimental. maybe. from what i know of myself, i probably am. i'm sentimental over the wrong things, though (i cry at the wrong parts of movies and books, for one thing).

i guess that just makes me complicated. at the end of the day, whatever you ask about yourself, you'll probably end up with the same answer, naturally being the first person to contradict yourself, and being the last person to admit it.

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not-so-far-away

back in college, when things weren't going so well for me, i'd turn my cellphone off, grab a book, my journal and a discman and hop on a bus to alabang town center. for me, it was a perfect place to spend the day alone in.

i miss doing that. i wish i could do that now.

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new friends

i've made new friends the past couple of weeks, and found friends in people i've known for a while. it's nice.

i spent an afternoon with teena and hogi last week. it was my first time actually spend time with hogi, and i'm glad i did, going through landmark, accidentally making running jokes of minnie mouse slip-ons and penelope pitstop boots.

supervisor training proved to be fun when due to a computer fluke, i got to sit beside schnookie and discovered that ym is useful during boring classes... even if you're beside each other.

back on the floor, getting along with co-sup jessie was a very pleasant surprise. even if he calls me names on the floor, and is focused on making my existence miserable, his presence is appreciated.

over a 3am lunch at kfc, issa and i got to gripe together. yes, frustrated womyn in place full of fried chicken. i'm looking forward to meeting her baby sometime soon.

one of my reps had to be taken to the hospital a few days back (for hypothermia, of all conditions! -- holy kamote! would you believe it? hypothermia in the philippines?). while she was being treated, new co-sup niko and i had nothing else to do but talk. turns out, we both graduated from the same school, and know some of the same people.

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black eyeliner

my fabulous friend ralph once mentioned to me that the only thing that black eyeliner is for is to make women beautiful.

yes, issues are still there. my world's still not as stable as i'd like for it to be.

but i have reasons to smile.

and as long as i remember to take time to put on eyeliner, there's still hope.

... but in the end, i don't put eyeliner on, because i don't need it.

even if i don't hold much hope for myself, i know it's around. i'm getting just the right help i need to get through this.

====================================

... emotional earthquakes.

the past couple of weeks have been very harrowing on my part. it's as if my little world is crashing on me from all angles.

... familiarity breeding contempt.

or maybe God doesn't have to explain that.

... disappointment.

i rarely expect anything of anyone, so i find it rather disconcerting when people expect anything of me.

someone's supposedly dissapointed at me. of course, i don't understand why just yet, but i guess she's entitled to that.

i appreciate the people who have talked to me about my shortcomings, and i am working on them. i just need a little more time and a lot of help. i can't do this on my own, i know now. and i'm not promising miracles. i'm being me. but i can't be me anymore, can't i?

... growing pains

man! do they hurt! do i have to go through this?

... gargoyles.

i love you. thank you, my beautiful pillars of strength. i will be back to normal in due time.

... comfort in strangers

thank you for still being here, though ths stay has been far from comfortable. please don't let go. not yet. i'm not strong enough.

... why you're far away

come back, please. get on that plane and come back to manila. let's have dinner, talk the night away, then have scrambled eggs in the morning. i miss you. come back.

tesma and i have been promoted to supervisor trainees for almost a month now. because of the workload, i've got to adjust to, i had to make a decision to put theatre in the back seat for a while.

it wasn't an easy choice to make, so i won't dwell on the gory details.

i'm coping. i guess that's what counts.

======================

jonjon and dotti signed up for rep's workshop and will be doing something fabulous for their workshop showcase. jonjon updates me with a text message every now and then, always with good news.

peachy's class will be doing avenue q! that's definitely something to look forward to. i will be a fan this summer.

======================

i love the people i work with.

abi and klaudine send me emails beginning with mahal kong inay, nanay joy, or some other derivative of mother. it feels great.

'mother' eric provides me with a dose of everyday kiig and entertainment. haaaay... one of the sayang nilalangs. perfect na sana, then he calls you 'mother' in a parlorista tone that's too endearing to hate.

jerjer occasionally brews coffee for us. sarap. my next semi-big purchase will be a french press (though i'm not much of a coffee drinker, the thought of someone making me a drink is a mood-booster)

bitz unknowingly gives me balance, in his own cooky way. i actually get to use my cell phone's auto-redial feature to try to wake him up before his shift begins. and when he's there, i'm just glad i have someone to actually converse with, going way past mundane small-talk.

flo, mic and shiela, i have grown to love more as friends and teammates. i can't begin to tell how.

pai has become my baby of sorts. nuff said.

i miss paul yulo's random song and dance numbers.

i miss the midnight shift.

======================

i miss chari, rony, blueREP and playshop.

mikkie saw me in the pantry the other day and told me to get some sleep, pointing out that i look more tired now (that i actually do get sleep) than i did when i had rehearsals or shows (when i hardly got any sleep at all).

and now i have a day to myself, i still feel tired.

======================

goodbye until tomorrow
goodbye until i recall how to breathe
i have been waiting
i have been waiting for you.

======================

the trouble with having just a moment is asking: was that it? and finding yourself pleasantly disappointed that the answer is yes.

------------------------------------------

have a nice day.

423 - the number of the flat that i now share with my roommates.

25 - cleaning items purchased today to tidy the place up.

15 - minutes to walk from the flat to the office.

12 - pairs of spoons and forks i'll be bringing from the house

11 - excel worksheets of lists that are helping us to get organized

10 - isaw vendors and carinderias to provide us with cheap, unhealthy, delicious food

9 - appointments cancelled in the process of getting our palasyo of sorts

8 - slices of pizza to celebrate with my roommies

7 - days before our first MAJOR grocery trip (if all goes well)

6 - handpainted plates i'll be mooching from the house

5 - our official move-in date.... TODAY!!!

4 - people who pledged housewarming gifts (thanks in advance to deedee for the can opener, don p. for the chopping board, teena for the strainer, and ayn for the kettle)

3 - wonderful roommies i have: tesma, jojie and doni - the number of actual furniture we have as of this very moment: 2 beds and a kikay cabinet 2 - more voice lessons i'll probably miss because i'll have to get settled in the new unit.

1 - very overwhelmed me with no text life to spread the word. things are moving sooooo fast! so soon! saya!

mooched a survey from kyla. i like the results:

Eb major - you are warm and kind, always there for
your friends, who are in turn there for you.
You are content with your confortable life and
what you are currently achieving; if you keep
in this state you will go far.

what key signature are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

(this is for allan, who has been bugging for an update)

for two days, tesma and i (literally) walked the streets of makati, looking for a place to live. we finally found a very reasonable 1-room apartment just a block away from the office. if all goes well, we may be moving in a week or two.

trens will be helping out with designing the place, and we already got a few volunteers to do the actual painting (yes, i'm so excited!). our teammates are already planning housewarming parties. a new friend, deedee, already volunteered to give us a can opener (and yes, i'm very excited about that, too).

with the new place will come new appliances. hay! i feel so domestic! a new fridge, stove, rice cooker... the list seems endless, but i totally want to get things organized already. (yes, those who know me well enough: i've already started making an inventory of things i already have). i forsee shopping galore! (but nifty housewarming gifts will be well appreciated, teehee!)

i'll be bringing with me a lot of memories: the bed i've had since childhood, the scripts and playbills of the shows i've been in, my notebooks, my teddy bear shok shok and my laptop renzo (because i believe he can still be fixed).

i'll be living like a sim! upgrading the flat little by little together with my roommies tesma and jojie. not yet getting a tv and starting with a little boom box. doing our cooking and heating on a single gas burner stove till we save up for an efficient microwave oven. living with an electric fan until we can afford a proper air conditioner.

things are looking up in most aspects of my life now, and i know there's tons more of work to be done. it's a wonderful rush! kakaibang kilig!

======================

by david jewell

Daydream delusion.
Limousine eyelash
Oh, baby with your pretty face,
drop a tear in my wineglass.
Look at those big eyes,
see what you mean to me:
Sweet cakes and milkshakes.
I am a delusion angel.
I am a fantasy parade.
I want you to know what I think.
Don't want you to guess anymore.
You have no idea where I came from.
We have no idea where we're going.
Latched in life
like branches in the river
flowing downstream
caught in the current.
I'll carry you.
You'll carry me.
That's how it could be.
Don't you know me?
Don't you know me by now?

========================

don't you just love before sunrise?

========================

 it's been quite a year. can't think of another way to share or sum it up than through this.

THE 2004 SURVEY
(from mic's blog)

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
got a blog. 3 musicals in 1 calendar year (twice in rcbc!). buy makeup.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
didn't make resolutions, won't make any. but i do have plans that require commitment.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
no

5. What countries did you visit?
just stayed here.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
focus. training. money for a new apartment.

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
not very good with dates. sometime along the last week of october.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
knowing what i want to pursue in life. -- (yes, mic. pareho tayo)

9. What was your biggest failure?
no real failures. everything's a learning experience. need more training.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
one per show! hahaha!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
books.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
the passionate people of blueREP (especially kyla, bea and enzo)

13. Whose behaviour appalled you and made you depressed?
hay... don't get me started.... think happy thoughts... :D

14. Where did most of your money go?
transpo. (malayo ang mandaluyong/makati sa katipunan)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
getting to do merrily

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
100 tears away

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
craft stuff... i miss being a craft geek.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
eat.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
i spent christmas in the office. it's all good

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
in and out and in again.  it's great.

23. How many one-night stands?
none

24. What was your favourite TV program?
FRIENDS pa rin... sorta got into CSI

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i don't think so.... ay, yes, now i think of it.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Power Book by Jeanette Winterson

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
re-discovered Sondheim.

28. What did you want and get?
i wanted to be part of good shows... and i was part of 3 good shows.

29. What did you want and not get?
pera. (what naman, eh. hindi who)

30. Favorite film of this year?
Before Sunset

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
had dinner with friends, and a great game of charades. i turned 26.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
"someone to hold me too close..."

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
what fashion concept?

34. What kept you sane?
theatre.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
jude law, johnny depp

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
i'm an apathetic brat.

37. Who did you miss?
my college friends from malate

38. Who was the best new person you met?
andami.... the freaks, teena, hogi, peachy, wonderful people in vonage batch 1&2

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
"It is the obligation we have been given. It is to grow, to accomplish, to change the world. It is to not turn out the same. To not follow the world belief in riches or prestige or power, but to follow what is in our hearts." - stephen sondheim

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
"all of the happiness you seek,
all of the joy for which you pray
is closer than you think
it's just a hundred tears away."